


This is horrible. But it's less horrible because you're here

by playlike-agirl (playlikeagirl)



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-21 22:15:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8262287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playlikeagirl/pseuds/playlike-agirl
Summary: I know, I'm sad too.I'm sorry.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So I know Ash wasn't at the game but let's pretend.

Ali sank down to the ground, her head in her hands. No, not again. She couldn’t lose, not again. But this was it, this was a loss. She heard the rush of the Western New York players and she felt Crystal grip her shoulder. It was Rio all over again, it was 2011 all over again. It was loss and heartbreak and it was the nature of football. But that didn’t make it any easier; that didn’t make any loss any easier to stomach. Sure, it was the nature of football and of sports in general to be gut wrenchingly cruel and unfair and you could work your ass off for ninety minutes, and then thirty more and it still came down to penalties, which were just the luck of the draw sometimes, and it felt to Ali as if luck had ceased to be on her side a long time ago. 

* * *

She felt Crystal crouch down behind her and she heard the sobs of her teammates but she couldn’t move, she couldn’t lift her head.

“It’s not your fault,” Crystal whispered to her and she enveloped her in a hug. “In fact it’s down to you we’re here at all. You’re the driving force of this team and the best captain I’ve ever played under. Don’t tell Carli,” Crystal adds and Ali can’t help the small smile that escapes her lips. She just nods as she slowly rises up from her knees, wiping away tears, clapping to the crowd as she searches the rows for her girlfriend. She sees Ash, standing up, eyes focused on Ali, nodding slightly as she mouths “I love you.” Ali places her hand on her lips and takes a deep breath, going through the motions, shaking the players’ hands. She feels Steph pull her into a hug.

“Thank you Kriegs,” she whispers. “You got us so far, you deserved this, we all deserved this, but better luck next year hey?”

Ali just nods and lets out a faint smile. “You bet your ass next year,” she tries to joke but in reality she’s unsure. Unsure of where she’ll be next year, unsure what’s going on with the national team, where and if she’ll be playing soon. She’s hoping to move to Orlando, to be with Ash and she knows the team knows that secretly too. They’d wanted this to be the great hoorah for Ali, for her to win for her hometown team, to get the recognition she deserves. But sometimes, well frequently, that doesn’t happen. Sometimes you can work so hard that your lungs heave and your body shakes and that won’t get you any further than if you’d not even broken out into a light sweat. Sometimes you can put in 120% and only get 10% back. Sometimes you can swim oceans for people, for teams, who’d only ever jump puddles for you. And that was life, that was sport, that was the injustice of it. And Ali knows that, she knows that too well. But fortunately, so does Ash. 

Ash. She searches the crowd for her girlfriend, but she can’t see her. She thinks maybe it’s because she’s somehow looking for blonde hair but then she sees her. She’s on the sideline, close to the tunnel, waiting for Ali. Waiting patiently and Ali knows Ash has done enough waiting in her life. Waiting to get her chance, waiting to get her shot at the national team, waiting for Ali, waiting for love. Ali strides over to Ash as she feels her body heaving again, the sobs threatening to spill out and as Ash sees her coming she walks forward too. Ali almost throws her body into Ash’s, nuzzling her head into her girlfriend’s neck, hands finding the back of her shirt, grasping at the warmth, the safety of her girlfriend. 

“It’s ok baby, it’s ok I’ve got you. I’m here ok?” Ash whispers soothingly into her neck, her fingers tracing the base of Ali’s neck as she holds her tight. Ash’s heart is breaking for her girlfriend; all she ever wanted was for her to win this, to have this night for herself. She didn’t get her Olympic gold and now this. Maybe Ash was biased, but she knew Ali deserved the whole world and it physically hurt her that she wasn’t able to give it to her. She wanted to give her championship after championship, gold after gold, but sometimes all she could give her was her love and her constant reassurance. And that would be enough. 

Ash gently walks Ali inside the tunnel, catching the eye of Sam who looks on in concern. Ash just mouths ‘she’ll be ok’ as she leads Ali to the trainer’s room. Ali is still clinging to her for dear life and Ash sets her down on a bench as she steps back slightly. The loss of contact makes Ali looks up and Ash wipes the tears from her cheeks.

“We lost,” Ali whispers out.

“Yeah you did,” Ash replies. “And you didn’t deserve to and it’s shit. It’s fucking shit baby, but you won’t give up. I know you won’t.”

Ali just hangs her head. “I’m tired of this. I love this game, I’ve given my life to this game but recently I don’t know if it’s giving me enough back. Enough joy and enough happiness to weigh out the losses.”

Ash just nods in understanding. “I know, but if anyone can work through this and come out the other side it’s you. So you didn’t win a gold, you didn’t win this championship, but who cares? There’s enough time. There’s more than enough time for you and me both. You and me both, we’re gonna do it together. And I know Orlando is new, we’re not going to win the Championship any time soon, but who’s to say we can’t get enough out of building a team up from the ground. You and me together we’d be unstoppable there. You’ve got the experience and skill to turn a backline around and I know you can do it with me. And you will, you’ll come back, you’ll be determined and we’ll do it together. Maybe we won’t get glory, but we’ll get satisfaction, we’ll get happiness. We have our house, we have each other. We will wake up to each other every morning and I’ll get to kiss you goodnight every single night. I’ll play the game I love the most with the person I love the most.”

The tears have almost stopped now as Ali stares at Ash in awe. How she always knows the right thing to say to help Ali, how she’s always there when she needs her. A living, breathing, beautiful reminder that no matter how bad things get, those who love you are there for you no matter what. And then Ali realises, she realises that yes this matters to her, football matters, winning does matter, but love matters more. Ash matters more. She can’t imagine her life without Ash. She can’t imagine not having her hand to hold and her arms to hold her close. She can’t imagine not moaning at Ash every other day because she’s left her skateboard in the middle of the floor. She’s had to sleep without Ash for far too many nights this year and she’s had to wake up every single morning missing the kiss of her lips and the feel of her breath against her neck. She can’t imagine not walking down the aisle towards Ash, her dress flowing easily, the sand in her toes and Ash at the other end, her suit fitting perfectly, her eyes full of love. She can’t imagine not slipping on a simple wedding band and kissing her officially as wife and wife. She can’t imagine not having children with her, children who have Ash’s dimple and her smile. Children who are full of love and energy and mischief. She can’t imagine not growing old with Ash. She can’t imagine life without Ash. And she’s realises that she can imagine life without football. Maybe not yet, maybe not anytime soon, but somewhere in the future she won’t have it. And no matter how many gold medals and championship she wins, she knows that love is more important. Love is always more important. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Ali mumbles out.

“What doesn’t?” Ash questions softly, her hand caressing the small of Ali’s back.

“This-” Ali gestures and Ash just cocks her eyebrow.

“I mean it matters, football matters to me. But you matter more. I’d rather wake up with you every morning for the rest of our lives than win another gold, another medal. So yeah, this is horrible. But it’s less horrible because you’re here.”

Ash just pulls Ali in close, pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

“I love you baby.”

“I love you too Alex. Now, how about we go out and get drunk? You know Crystal and Jo are already planning it.”

Ali just laughs as she hoists herself up off the table, pulling her girlfriend in for one last kiss. “Sounds like a plan babe.”

Ash just smiles as she feels Ali’s hand grip her own as they go towards the locker room and Ali feels the comforting presence of Ash’s skin against her own, the reminder that there are better things to come in life, that there will be hard losses and heartbreak, but she has love, she has friends and she has a never ending source of joy if only she looks in the right place, and she knows that will be enough. Everything will always be ok because she has Ash. She has Ash for now and evermore and they’re in this whole thing together. Rain or shine.

 


End file.
